Yesterday was one of those days that can easily be stashed away in the corner of your mind if you decide to do nothing about it. I've been in such a mood so as to take my days off and just lay in bed, relax and do just about nothing.

Not yesterday.

Instead, I went on a 12 mile bike ride from Colton to Riverside to visit Fairmount Park where my best friend will be hosting The Water Games next Saturday morning to raise awareness for lack of clean water in Africa. It was a really nice way to spend the morning.

Oh, and I got to mess around with the double exposure feature on the Vignette App on my new phone! I must say I quite like the results.

I can't believe these photos were taken in February, that was 10 months ago now. It feels like a past life now. The memories are fuzzy and seem even surreal, like it wasn't even me that lived it.

Time is definitely a funny thing. Ever changing, the only constant. I do believe I've grown and changed quite a bit but who am I kidding? I'm still me, in essence.

Three weeks now, is the countdown until I get to see these sights again. I am quite fond of the Bay Area.

thoughts unbinding

Sometimes there are words floating around my head that I don't listen. The voice says things I don't like and make me feel bad, so I learned ages ago how to tune it out.

I hear it, but I don't hear it.

Sometimes I stop to listen and ... it's unnerving. "I want to die. I want to die. I want to die."

"I want to drown."

"I want to bleed."

I want to live.

Words are words are words are words. They're meaningless until you assign meaning to them.

some days

I just want to bite my.nails too short til I hit the skin and bleed.
I want to pull my hair til.my knuckles turn white.
I bite my lip.til I break the skin
I scream into.my pillow til I break out in sobs

I have good days and bad days...

raw sugar

Probably one of the worst feelings in the world is realizing how delusional you were in thinking you were happy in something.

Or maybe it's knowing that you were so desperate to make a relationship work out that you were willing to completely overlook and "forgive" everything that could go wrong. Ha! Our relationship was Murray's Law in full effect.

Anything that can go wrong, will.

I don't understand any of it. I don't. I guess that goes with being a human being, but being me I long to understand. Why was it every time I began to feel comfortable you found some way to knock everything down again? I could never win with you. I could never be happy.

I even hate writing about you. How everything still revolves around you and how nothing will ever make you realize what an impact you've made on my life. A part of me, a small yet potent part of me, will always hate you for what you've done.

I am dealing, though. Somehow, I'm handling everything okay. Maybe I have cried too many tears for you to cry any more. Maybe the baby steps I have taken have helped lead me up to this point. Maybe it was the rash decision I made when I took the plunge. Whatever it is, I'm okay.

I don't need anyone else to survive. I have allowed myself to miss out on a lot of opportunities in life and I am ashamed of that. No more!

...and for once, I'm not concerned with my future. Because right now everything feels right. I'm proud of the decisions I have made in my life and I know, I feel it in the depths of my core, that everything is going to be alright.

I am at peace.

So blue

and violently calmed

I drowned

but yet i feel so fine

and some how.....

don't know why

i love it down here